What to Say in the First Two Weeks:

The first few weeks of school ask a tremendous amount of children. New rooms, new teachers, new expectations, new friendships, and a full day of holding it together in ways that may be genuinely hard for them.  Most parents expect the excitement, but they’re not always ready for the messy, difficult parts of the transition.

There are two particular moments that tend to challenge parents the most. Here is what to know about both.

The morning ☀️

Resistance at your front door those first weeks is almost always less about school and more about leaving home and leaving you.  Reassurance seems appropriate in those moments, and you might be compelled to say something along the lines of,

“You're going to have such a great day, your teacher is so nice, you’ll love it once you get there!” “Don’t be nervous, you’ll be fine!”

But that skips over an opportunity to acknowledge what your child is actually feeling by naming the experience and setting realistic expectations about the days ahead: What’s really helpful is threefold: 

Ground them in what to expect: “When you get to school a grown-up will help you know what to do. After school I’ll pick you up at the blue door with a special snack, and we’ll walk home together." Helping them picture the reunion makes the separation a little more bearable.

Use a ritual or object to reference when they miss you: Something small that travels with the child through the day (a kiss pressed into a palm that they can hold onto when they need it, a small token in a pocket, a shared phrase at the door every morning) helps build a bridge between you and your child that holds even when you’re not in the room. It helps to name that you’ll miss them too, and have your own ritual or token to use.

Explain that even when things are tricky, they’ll still be okay: “It makes sense to be nervous. No matter what happens today, I know you can handle it.” You can help prime them for those moments by asking, “If something feels tricky, what’s one thing you can do?”

Some books that do this work gently, if you want something to read together before school starts or in the first few weeks: The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn, The Invisible String by Patrice Karst, and for the youngest children, Llama Llama Misses Mama by Anna Dewdney.

The afternoon 🌤️

Your child may resist answering the question, “How was your day?” and may fall apart once they get home. After a full day of managing their bodies, their emotions, new expectations and a room full of other people's needs, children have often used up all of their capacities to regulate themselves. This is called restraint collapse; it’s a sign both that your child trusts you enough to let go, and that their capacity to hold it together is genuinely tapped out after working so hard.

As parents we are often desperate for a glimpse into what our child’s day was like, but this isn’t the time to ask for a full report. It is an opportunity to help them refuel by prioritizing connection, decompression, snack and movement. Most children who have been sitting in a classroom for six hours need to eat, drink, move, and reconnect with you without any more demands placed on them before they're ready to talk.

When your child is more settled, avoid the interview approach; children open up more when they don’t feel like they’re being asked to perform. A useful trick: asking questions while you're both otherwise occupied and not making direct eye contact, your child coloring while you cook dinner, tends to get more natural responses. Sharing about your own day helps too. It makes it feel more like a conversation and less like a debrief.

"How was your day" is often too big to answer, especially in the first weeks when everything is new and a child might not have the language yet or the distance to make sense of it. It also isn’t a question that helps children reflect or build skills. These tend to work better:

Specific questions to ask your child instead of, “How was your day?”

• What's one thing that made you laugh today? (helps them tap into what felt good)

• What was the loudest part of your day? (tells you about what might be overwhelming or challenging)

• How do you know where things go in your classroom? (helps them reflect on their knowledge, makes them feel capable, reinforces a routine)

• Who helped you today? Who did you help? (communicates that help is normal, orients them to who can help them, enhances their sense of themselves as a ‘helper’) 

• What’s something that everyone in your class knows? (reinforces a sense of group identity and belonging)

• Did you figure out anything tricky today? What did you do when it felt hard? (tells you what is challenging for them and their strategies for moving through it)

• What did you notice about your teacher/classroom/classmates? (lets you see what is salient for them)

This is not a checklist, one or two questions a day is really enough. What you’re listening for is whether your child is finding their way in, and where they might need a little more support.

Grace for everyone

This is a lot of adjustment happening at once, for you and your child. The routine that felt manageable in the middle of last year is being rebuilt from scratch and everyone is adjusting and learning.

If your child needs more of you in these weeks, this is a good time to give them some extra support. That might be an extra story at bedtime, a few extra minutes of being held, skipping bath time because they’re just done, and not treating these small daily setbacks as full-on regressions. Sometimes children love playing baby or being babied a bit more in these weeks as more mature versions of themselves are necessary through the school day. This is a time to let them lean on you a little more when it’s possible and appropriate to be more flexible. Trust that the full routine will be coming back. Right now the goal is to get through the transition together.

The same goes for you. There will be days you push when you should have waited, or miss the cue your child was giving you. That isn't failure. It's everyone adjusting at the same time and doing the best with what they have.

A small brave step

Tonight, skip "how was your day" and try one of the questions above instead. See what opens up when the question is smaller and more specific. You might be surprised what comes back.